Stuck inside

I am stuck inside myself. A broken compass being kicked and shattered. I miss sunshine and adventure, to me the grass is greener when there is no snow

But our fantasy ejected, cut by scissors with jagged edges. Like a bubble being popped by an eager finger. The film that protected us.... Gone and we are free falling.
He sits in a chair packing hope inside his pipe and breathing in illusions of contentment. I run far and get nowhere, eat nothing and diminish to mold into an image of happiness

I remember when we believed in fairy tales and togetherness came with laughter. Now we have stopped trusting in the pixie dust. Instead we are surviving... Checking for signs of life... A pulse, a slanted step, a crooked smile. Telling ourselves the lies that will get us through our next breath. It will be okay, only a short time, we will be together soon. How many months can I go without my heart? Ripped from my ribs and placed in a pocket. Carried 1000 miles away, covered in tears.

 Until we meet again and I can fit in him like a puzzle piece. When my smile finds comfort on my face. When the color glazes my cheeks and my spirit sprinkles my eyes. when we can inhale our truth and exhale our demons. Maybe then I will begin believing in happy ever after.

Flying

                                   Dear God, Make me a bird so I can fly far far away from here

                                                           Haven't you always wanted to fly....

Wonderment

I created this poem the other day. I believe that sometimes we loose sight of who we are and what we stand for. I was having one of those days in which I was over exposed, over indulged, overly exhausted with outside messages. I finally sat down, and thought about what I believe and what I want out of life. Although this poem is nothing monumental, it has begun a spark in me to continue to search for the answers and always be certain on what I truly believe in.

Me
My dream is to be different

I crave to be unique

My wish is to set footprints 

While helping the voiceless to speak

Defined as a free spirit

With my wings I will fly

I don't care what others think

I just hope to thrive

For my work is not for them

It is for the one above

I want to make Him smile 

And always spread His love

I march to my own drum

I take the path less wondered

But where I will end up

My faith is that I'll be stronger

The beginning of the end

I often wonder when things end and others begin

When does the earth stop and heaven start?

How do snowflakes take place of autumn leaves?

Where does your body end and mine begin?

A death lives on in a beating heart

A voice echoes after it has spoken

A kiss remains on single lips

First love is engraved in a soul for a lifetime

Happily ever after is a dream

In the realness lies beauty

Imperfect masterpiece on smeared canvas

Colors greeting one another, no ending no beginning 

Family

Loud collected lives

Milky skin against brown sugar

Looking into young wise eyes

Skateboarding, bike rides, park visits

Childhood snatched, cradling grown infants

Worlds far away

Intertwined on the same sofa

Islands are intruded despite warning

Flags plotted in my heart

Stories tattooed on my soul

Family: related, love, support system

Related through desperation

Love because in need of love

Support thrives in this chaotic system

Mixed colors create a masterpiece

Time is ticking in Paradise

Wow I cant believe that it has been a year(well almost).  When I moved to California, I never realized how much my life has changed.  I left with the ambitions of a young girl from the midwest, I felt innocent but ready to taste adventure of my tongue.  I had an appetite and the courage  to try new experiences and discover who I truly am as an individual.  

Not to say it was all fun and games. Many times I found myself in my tissue box of a room wondering why I moved from everything that was comfortable to me.  I was known in Michigan, I had an identity and a comfort there.  In California I had to fend for myself, remove myself from trouble, make mistakes, and learn important life lessons.  THe more I grow the more I am convinced I could not have learned these same lessons at home. We, as individuals, need to step out of our cocoon and figure out what this life means to us. Whether it is spiritual, emotional, social, on whatever level, to whatever degree, I urge you to take that journey of discovery.


On a more emotional note, I do not know how I will leave the wonderful girls that I discuss on this blog.  To say that they mean a lot to me, would not do them justice.  They have opened my eyes to a world of problems that many people face today and they demonstrate encouragement as they continue to press on.  This house has become my home and these strangers have become my family. They adopted me into their crazy world and I am forever grateful.  Saying goodbye, will be the hardest obstacles to overcome of them all. I know with a goodbye, comes a new life, a new adventure, a new journey....

The Rescue

The Rescue Video


A friend introduced me to this singer/song writer... Tyler Ward.  I loved this video and was honestly inspired.  Everyone often has their own interpretation of music.  I think we can all conclude that everyone needs to be rescued...


but what do you need to be rescued from?  What burdens do you carry?


Everyone has something holding them back, so what inspires you to get through, to continue moving and keep living?

Why don't you sit right down and stay awhile?

I understand it has been awhile since I have posted.  There is truly no excuse to why it has been months since my last post.  To say I have been busy is an understatement but, I want to take a moment and express some of the changes and accomplishments that I have encountered. 

I have gathered so much and grown as an individual through this journey.  Liz Gilbert, the author of Eat Pray, Love, discusses a concept entitled "The Physics of the Quest".  She states that: "If you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting... and set out on a truth seeking journey, either internally or externally.  If you are willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue and if you accept everyone on that journey as a teacher.  If you are prepared most of all to face and forgive some difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you."


That concept is one that resonates because the idea that moving myself far from my roots definitely serves as life altering. I have encountered important teachers in the classroom of life and overcome numerous realities about myself.  I have struggled both internally and externally as I begin to understand more about my purpose within this life. Not to mention, having these kids crawl into my heart and take my breath away everytime I look into there eyes is simply priceless.  This makes me realize it is not all about me, it rarely is.

As I continue to grow I realize more and more that my beautiful picture of what life is, is not the picture that many carry in there back pockets. I have been blessed with a life of few hiccups and for that I am grateful.  Learning to love and accept what you have been given is challenging.  Understanding to live freely is another life lesson that my girls have taught.  Most of them do not carry the prettiest pictures instead, many hold suitcases filled with unwanted pasts.  Despite their cargo, each day they are able to smile and laugh.  They have the ability to forgive and live freely, something many yearn for.  


I wish I could stay in my now lavender painted room forever. I have come to love these girls.  I have cared for them when they are sick, I have wiped their tears. I miss their presence when they are not home, they are on my mind and in my heart constantly.  These girls are my life. But I understand that r some ventures are meant to be brief.  This experience has changed me forever and I will continue to grow within my last months here.


Until next time....(I promise I wont take as long)

Evolve, Create....

The other day, my coworker and friend invited me to "create" with her.  She had presented me with a canvas, something I had no idea what to do with.  As my paintbrush hit the blank canvas, I began to create my own definition of art.  I am no Monet, but I have realized that there is an artist within.  Everyone has the ability to create.  It is up to that individual to use their gift and present what they have to offer to the world.  Here is my first canvas, I hope you enjoy.  

"In the future everyone is an artist because it is in these days that we realize that each of us is a creator"




                          

Living life for me...

Recently, I have been experiencing some "rockiness" in my own personal life. I have been seeking words of wisdom through the ones that I love.  The endless support I have received is amazing.  My point of blogging about this, is not to air my dirty laundry, but to speak of the lessons learned.  


As I go through this time, I realize I still have a responsibility to work with my students while maintaining an up beat demeanor.  When they walk in the door from school I wonder how I can even begin to pick myself up, considering how I feel.  I do not think that I can find the strength within to smile or give anything of myself.  Then, we interact.  My weakness instantly turns to strength and my hopelessness disintegrates.   Surprised by my actions, I have begun to form some conclusions.  One, is these girls bring absolute joy into my life.  Their smiling faces, silliness, and excitement make me genuinely happy.  I enjoy being around them, hearing their view on life, and watching as they grow into wonderful people.  The fact that I can be a part of their lives for a short time is such a blessing and something I do not take lightly.


Another aspect to consider is what each child has been through.  Everyone has a different walk of life, and we never know what they have experienced because we have not lived their journey.  I know for certain that these kids have been challenged with much worse then I have ever endured.  What I am going through is nothing compared to the pain and hurt these girls have charged through.  How they continue to live everyday, leaves me in awe.  This inspires me to press through and keep being me.  

Final thought, nothing in life is forever or concrete.  I realize now that the life I once thought I would lead is no longer.  This hurdle allows me to reevaluate, look into myself, and for once live for me.  Through this I can understand what I want out of life, and do it.  The rest of this year is devoted to complete soul searching, discovering what truly brings me joy, and living my life to the fullest.  I refuse to let anyone bring me down, and I will continue to surround myself with uplifting, inspiring people.

Lists

Ten important things I have gathered while working with teenager/ "pre-teens":
1. Forgetting books in a locker is an everyday occurrence.
2. If an 11 year old boy can throw a football better then you, do not play.
3. Disney channel is an essential to every pre-teen's life.
4. To "bomb" a test, means that you have done well.
5. Electrified music(Selina Gomez, Hannah Montanna, ext.) is played on the hour and is the most annoying noise I have ever heard.
6. Never refer to younger kids as "little ones"(they are pre-teens)
7. Farting is the funniest joke, along with any type of bathroom humor(for both boys and girls)
9. Lighting while studying, gets in the way of the emo-persona.
10. These are the most amazing, unique, wonderful teens I have ever!!


Working with these teenagers has definitely tested me in multiple ways.  It has tested my patience and my anger level.  It has enforced to always be in check with myself, in order to be a mentor.  These kids are simply amazing, the more I learn the more I admire them.  


I cannot believe that the holidays are coming up so fast.  My favorite holiday is around the corner.  Yes you guessed it, Thanksgiving and it is because of the loads of food present.  Thanksgiving is also close to my heart because of all of the traditions my family and I partake in.  As I continue to grow up the traditions, which I once looked at as a burden are now events that I cannot wait to participate in.  I am so excited to see my wonderful family and friends, you are all missed, while the cold weather is not!!

Updates, My life as I know it

Hi to all of my faithful readers, aka my mom and dad.  I know it has been awhile since my last post and I apologize.  I was able to get a taste of Midwest and family when my dad came to California for business last week.  I was so happy to see him and spend an amazing four days with him.  The wonderful thing about my father is he is so easy going and great person to be around.  Him and I both appreciate California, food, and adventure so we combined all of our loves into his trip.  He was staying in Santa Monica so we were able to scope out the local restaurants and Santa Monica sites.  Of course, I dragged him to the Santa Monica Promenade and to one of my favorite shops, the Hardtail store.


On his last day, we wanted to try something new and decided to go surfing.  Yes, we actually got into the ocean with surfboards and had absolutely no idea what we were doing.  Our instructor said that we both "technically stood up" but in reality I am certain we looked like morons.  After surfing kicked our ass, we both expressed between breaths how out of shape we felt.  Although that was the case I have to say I still enjoyed it a lot.  I consider it a challenge that I will conquer.  The best part about the trip was not the food, the shopping, or the adventure, it was being with my dad.  My dad and I always have great conversations and he has the persona that puts me at ease.  I was so excited that I was able to spend time with him and experience his wonderful nature.

In work news, my girls are doing wonderful.  I just chaperoned high school homecoming, which I have to say was quite an adventure.  Watching dates dance and friends hang out made me want to travel back to high school for that one moment and then quickly return to my current life.  My coworker and I had the job of coat-check.  This you would guess is not a challenge in 70 degree weather, but you would be wrong.  After working our tails off our supervisor gave us a small break.  It was then when we decided we should definitely go on the dance floor for a quick dance.  I mean who says you have to be in high-school to dance at the homecoming anyway?


Also my mom sent me a great link, check it out: www.beblessedmovie.com

New Found Respect

As I traveled into Parent Night with my coworker, I was not expecting to leave scared for life.  Currently, there are two new eleven year  at in our house. Therefore, my coworker and I ventured to their school to meet their teachers and observe the curriculum our sixth graders will be partaking in this upcoming year.  As the daughter of a teacher, I am accustomed to such a night.  Throughout my youth, I remembered my mom going on about Parent Night and how concerned she was.  It was not until this evening, that I was able to piece together my mother's challenge.  

I left the classroom, eyes bulging when I found my coworker with the same expression.  Instantly, I knew we had to take a moment to debrief.  My co-worker shared her experience of the infamous "my child is the center of the universe" mother.  I guess this women's child was next to the importance of God as she continued to go on about her son's endeavors.  I began to divulge my own experience with the "I am out to get the teacher" mother.  This individual loudly proclaimed how offended she was about the teacher stating that the students were studying early man in history. She stated that the comment was "sexist" and hoped when working with the children the teacher would use the term"homosapiens"(with sixth graders mind you).  Again and again this women continued to berate the teacher, who was handling the situation quite well.  After being traumatized by Parent Night, my coworker and I made a pact that we would never be "those moms".

My ranting does have a point.  My mother, is a wonderful women in many ways. She is giving, loving, and an extremely selfless individual.  None the less, she is so sweet and cute you just "want to put her in your pocket"(as I have heard many say).  Those of you who are reading and know my mom understand.  I honor my mother and love her dearly.  Lets just say after this adventure, I have a new found respect for my mom.  For she has survived at least twenty parent nights.  Love you mom, and miss you!

Humility

Verbs in Action
Allow humility to define you
Place each soul before your own
Kiss a mother with gratitude
Whisper love to a friend
Send a smile to a stranger
Yearn to touch a life
Strive to make an impact
Continue to rejoice in every circumstance
-Anonymous


I was surfing the web the other day and I found this poem.  I instantly felt that it defined what I am doing here.  To be in any position of service, we must possess humility.  By "allowing humility to define" me I must place others before myself.  I will admit, this is not an easy task.  I know we are all guilty of placing ourself before others.  But, a part of growing up pushes me to see that the world is made up of many individuals that are in need.  When we are thinking of solely ourselves it is difficult to hear others cry for help.  Simple acts such as reaching out to someone or telling a loved one how much they mean can make a world of difference.  In doing a year of service I must strive to think of others and  give everything I have to offer.  In acting selflessly I know that I will gain more then simply thinking of myself. 

First day of school

Last week my girls had their first day of school.  
As the academic coordinator, I made it a point to be ecstatic for their return.  For this joyous occasion, I created wonderful "back to school bags".  Continuing my excitement I collaborated with my co-workers and we decided to make a yummy breakfast for our achieving scholars.  That night, 
I laid in bed feeling thrilled for my scholars and looking forward to the upcoming day.

 Sooner rather then later, my alarm began buzzing me awake.  I stumbled out of bed an I put a smile on my face while trying to remember how to function at  6:30 am.  As the girls entered the kitchen I thought they would share the same enthusiasm as I in regards to their first day of school.  To my dismay they were anything but enthused.  Instead, their faces screamed "get away from us now".  At this point I had to laugh at my own stupidity.

To continue the fun my co-workers and I drove them to school in the large red van wearing our pajamas(cruel I know).  As each mortified teenager exited the car we cheered for them.  When they all gathered together, mumbles of our evil gestures were shared amongst the group.

Looking back I am certain that I possessed similar feelings towards attending school.  Instead of living the free-life of summer, days become filled with routine and discipline.  I wonder how different my high school experience would be if I had the attitude I have now.  Today, I realize the importance of education and that through it tools are given to survive in the "real-world".  There are people that have gone without this gift and my heart breaks for them.  Simple actions we take for granted, like reading a book or writing a letter to a friend, many cannot accomplish.  I can say whole-heartedly that I am grateful for the education I have received and I know I would not be the same with out it.  

Living life..

So I have promised some loved ones(mainly my mother) that I would begin to post a blog of my adventures/life in California.  I have been living in Southern California for a month now.  I was able to make this move through an Americorp position that I received upon graduation of Saint Mary's College. 


 My life has always been a constant.  Growing up in Michigan was a wonderful experience, but as I became older I quickly learned that I gain so much from situations in which I am placed outside my comfort zone.  Moving to California was just that, a leap of faith.  Before moving, I found myself uncertain that I could make this leap.  Fortunately, I have a large support system of family and friends that encouraged me to take to plunge.  Once I made this life-changing gesture I came to the conclusion that I could not be happier with my decision.  To those who pushed me, I thank you.


 The people I am surrounded by in California have touched me and have inspired me.  Not to mention, they make me laugh constantly.  I have observed my sense of adventure continue to blossom as I discover my current surrounding, L.A, the beach, Disneyland, ect. I know that I am here for a reason.


 I came to California with goals to accomplish and a mission to achieve.  The duties for my Americorp position are not simple: to tutor teenage girls while monitoring their academics.  Also the responsibilities of being a role model, a cheer leader, a shoulder to cry on, and an ear to listen are tasks that I will never take lightly.  I am here for these girls in times of joy and times of failure.  I know this is not an easy job.  I am also certain that these girls will teach me valuable lessons, ones that will never compare to lessons learned in a classroom. For, whatever they teach me I will carry alongside me forever.  Each young student I have encountered in my short time here has a zest for life and ambition to achieve.

This blog will allow my friends and family to have a glance at being in California, being an Americorp member, and being me.  Through this I am able to document lessons learned, adventures taken, and happiness found.  I hope you all enjoy.

-peace and love